Mexicant's Musings

#SOTD - Unbroken: Curtain

“It’s all I ever wanted to know” It’s true. It hasn’t been very long but all I ever wanted was you. I didn’t know it at the beginning. You were just a cool girl that I was into. It wasn’t until we moved in together and started building a life together that I realized the thing that was missing was you. All the pain, all the anger, all the despair just seem to float away when I was with you. You centered me. You calmed me.

I look back now and realize how much of myself is because of you. You helped mold me into a normal human being. You fixed the cuts and bruises to help me shape me into something worthy of existing in society. You showed me what it meant to care for something with every part of me. Every inch of my fiber was devoted to you.

I messed up though. I took you for granted and forgot how much you meant to me. I let you slip through my fingers and it drove a wedge between us. I see that. I just don’t understand how you could move so fast. How could you give up? How could you tear down a life with little hesitation? Did I not matter to you anymore? Do I not matter now? How could you say you loved me and leave so heartlessly? What happened to forever? What happened to the vows we took? Why did you make me love you if you were going to leave?

You showed me what it meant to finally be happy and then ripped it from me. You’ve left me hollow and alone.

****

http://youtu.be/j5f0WdJtYME

this love built up inside me

I thought would last always

once burning wildly

now being doused with pain

no sympathy could ever remove your scars

laid upon me

how could you move on so fast

it’s all I ever wanted to know

the thought of you with another

crushes my soul

I don’t understand

when you stay you still love me

but I guess I know you now better than I did

how could you move on so fast

it’s all I ever wanted to know

for your type of love is a curtain

you will hide behind for the rest of your life

regret will always get you in the end and that is the only piece of mind I have

1 notes

2 months ago

#SOTD - Iron & Wine: The Trapeze Swinger

”But please, remember me, my misery, and how it lost me all I wanted” Could that be the reason? Could my constant depression be the reason behind it all? I’ll admit that I’m not the easiest to be with but I thought she’d understand. I watched my mother go from a vibrant and happy woman to a living skeleton in the span of a year. I sat by her side while the cancer spread from her breasts to her muscles, from her muscles to her bones, from her bones to her blood, and from her blood to her brain. I watched her fight harder than I’ve seen anyone fight before… but in the end she lost.

The chemo made her so brittle she ended up breaking both legs, an arm, both hips, shattered her pelvis beyond repair, and had three vertabrea collapse on her. By the end she was soiling herself uncontrolably and stopped recognizing who I was. My own mother didn’t know who I was. Do you have any idea what that feels like?

But I sat by her. I helped wash and feed her. I gave her her medications. I did anything I could for her. But in the last moments I was gone. Some nurse came by to bring medical supplies and forgot a few things. Being the good son I went to town to get them. She passed while I was away. My mother died without her son by her side. By the time I got back she had been gone for a while and the priest was performing the last rights.

I have to live knowing I failed to be with her when she passed.

So I’ve been depressed. Well, more so than usual I should say. But maybe it was the wallowing in it that cost me the only thing left in my world. I wasted an entire year being a lump on a couch. It seems as though my misery brings me nothing but misery. It’s quicksand and there’s no way out.

****

Please, remember me happily / By the rosebush laughing / With bruises on my chin, the time when we counted every black car passing / Your house beneath the hill / And up until someone caught us in the kitchen / With maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank / A vision too removed to mention

But please, remember me fondly / I heard from someone you’re still pretty / And then they went on to say / That the pearly gates / Had some eloquent graffiti / Like “We’ll meet again” and “Fuck the man” / And “Tell my mother not to worry” / And angels with their great handshakes / Were always done in such a hurry

And please, remember me that Halloween / Making fools of all the neighbors / Our faces painted white / By midnight, we’d forgotten one another / And when the morning came I was ashamed / Only now it seems so silly / That season left the world and then returned / And now you’re lit up by the city

So please, remember me mistakenly / In the window of the tallest tower / Calling passers-by but much too high / To see the empty road at happy hour / Gleam and resonate, just like the gates / Around the holy kingdom / With words like “Lost and found” and “Don’t look down” / And “Someone save temptation”

And please, remember me as in the dream / We had as rug-burned babies / Among the fallen trees and fast asleep / Aside the lions and the ladies / That called you what you like and even might / Give a gift for your behavior / A fleeting chance to see a trapeze / Swinger high as any savior

But please, remember me, my misery / And how it lost me all I wanted / Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains / The colored birds above their running / In circles around the well and where it spells / On the wall behind St. Peter / So bright, on cinder gray, in spray paint / ”Who the hell can see forever?”

And please, remember me seldomly / In the car behind the carnival / My hand between your knees, you turned from me / And said, “The trapeze act was wonderful / But never meant to last”, the clown that passed / Saw me just come up with anger / When it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot / Had an element of danger

So please, remember me finally / And all my uphill clawing / My dear, but if I make the pearly gates / I’ll do my best to make a drawing / Of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl / An angel kissing on a sinner / A monkey and a man, a marching band / All around a frightened trapeze swinger

(Source: tinyurl.com)

2 months ago

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-11-20)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

2 months ago

#SOTD - How To Destroy Angels: A Drowning

I feel wounded. As if my legs had been run through and I was forced to swim in the ocean. Every movement is blinded by the pain burning inside of me but I have to move to stay alive. I swallow mouthful upon mouthful of deadly water while trying to keep my head above water knowing that I’m just going to drown anyways.

I feel desperate. Trashing around from the fear of death and the pain of life. Knowing that the only outcome is for me to finally sink below the tides and fade away. I see a ship in the distance but every time I go to scream I swallow more water and fate comes that much quicker. Anyone who could help me is on the boat as it floats away and I’m left alone… broken… defeated… slowly grasping onto the glimmer of hope while the inevitability of despair comes for me.

Everyone who could save me has left. I’m alone with a ringside seat to my own end.

It’s the glare from the reflection

Making patterns in your eyes

It’s the looking back in anger

With every second slipping by

Undertow has come to take me

Guided by the blazing sun

Look at everything around us

Look at everything we’ve done.

Please anyone